Is Play always Play?

Play ceases to be play when it becomes an obligation. - David Elkind, PhD

I think any MMO player understands how this applies to gaming. It's my guess that eventually we'll come up with another word to describe the experience of spending time in a virtual world.

The Plastic Brain

One of the most interesting things about issues relating to electronic media and psychology is that of brain plasticity. It's not like you were just born with a certain kind of ready-to-go brain with certain strengths and weaknesses and that's what you've got ("Type 17-B, strong math skills, weak art and rhythm"). Most people don't realize that their brains grow, change, and develop in response to their environment.

I'm not trying to put a crash course in developmental neuropsychology here - though I'd like to. The most basic thought is that brains become custom-tailored for skills that the environment promotes. The kind of stimulation you have, particularly during childhood, to a very large degree determines the kind of person you become. And the good news is that even if there are deficits during childhood, things aren't set in concrete. The brain is more like plastic and always amenable to certain amounts of change and growth - though it takes longer to make new neural connections as a brain gets older.

Those who spend large amounts of time involved in activities that revolve around language will develop strong neural connections in the brain to build these kinds of skills. The same thing for certain kinds of physical activities. People with truly amazing talents and abilities very often developed those abilities during childhood which grew stronger as they matured. Kids who have been playing lots of computer games since they were toddlers generally have far faster keyboard responses than people who start to play as adults (but do they know how to dance? Do they care?).

If brains don't get enough of the right kinds of foundational experiences certain basic skill areas may never develop. In many cases this accounts for things we describe as "learning disabilities", or things we're "just not very good at."

So what does this have to do with gaming?

The ways we interact with our environment influences the development of our mind, body, and personality. Any media we are exposed to for an extended period of time affects the underlying neural circuitry of the brain that is being established during childhood and adolesence. If we understand this principle we can see how important it is to assess the amount of time kids spend immersed in electronic media. It's not just a question of the kind of content within the media, but what are they not doing in primary life that is actually foundationally necessary to grow effective brains.

Wow... (And I don't mean WoW)

The volume of phone calls and emails I have been receiving from people struggling with compulsive gaming behavior is surprising...even to me. Therapists have been calling to consult about their clients, their own kids, and increasingly to discuss their personal history as compulsive gamers. The conversations are generally very encouraging - we're all learning from each other and people are finding ways to unhook from detrimental actvities they could not control. Many people are getting clearer on defining what a healthy and balanced lifestyle is and making positive changes.

Then there are the other kinds of calls, - the very disturbing ones - in which gaming behavior has been a factor in family violence. Sometimes the incidents are between parents and children, sometimes adult partners - but people are getting hurt, law enforcement and child welfare services are involved, and again I am struck by what an entirely new phenomenon this is.

I don't think anyone was prepared for this.

The most imortant points about MMOs...in a few sentences

Playing games can be a fun hobby. There are lots of benefits from playing games.

MMOs are actually virtual worlds with a complex, multi-faceted, multi-layered reward structure. They are not games in the traditional sense.

The things that make MMOs unique and fulfilling also present certain risks for some people. Some people develop very serious problems and the reasons for this are complex.

People play for lots of different reasons. We have to be thoughtful about generalizing.

If anyone is playing so much it's impairing their life functioing, the issue should be evaluated. Sometimes they need help in doing that, as it can be hard to figure out on your own.

I don't care if you call it addiction or not. I don't care what you call it. Just be self-aware. Check out the video series I put up. Check out the resources listed. Think about it.

Self-awareness, self-monitoring, and understanding how to make good choices are what it's all about.

When your partner plays too much...

Intimacy. Companionship. Passion. These are the reasons most people pair up. If you don’t want to be close to someone you stay single right?

Well that’s the way most of us think it’s supposed to be, but making a relationship work well over the course of time is easier said than done. Life circumstances change, people make transitions, and personalities evolve in ways that can seem entirely unexpected. Life is unpredictable. Some activities bring couples closer together, other activities push them apart.

Lots of couples are coming to marriage counseling identifying “gaming” as the major problem in their relationship. Usually one plays and the other doesn’t; sometimes both play but one plays more than the other. On some occasions they are both playing compulsively, nobody’s taking care of the kids or the living situation, and life has really fallen apart.

Greg’s situation is common. Age 30, he’s been married to Grace for six years. They have two small kids, both work full-time and have few opportunities to see one another under the best of circumstances. “She’s online as soon as she gets home from work; we don’t have dinner together anymore. I’m taking care of the kids in the evenings, and I go to bed alone. Her guild friends mean more to her than I do. I try to talk to her and she just gets mad. Weekends revolve around her Guild schedule. Everything has changed; this is not what I signed up for and I’m not happy about it.”

Little does Greg know that Grace is secretly spending an inordinate amount of time with two men in the game and engaging in romantic, sexually charged role-playing. Since she’s not interested in participating in therapy, the therapist is going to have to help Greg figure out the best ways he can navigate through the situation, and ultimately, whether or not this is something he can live with if it doesn’t improve.

Successful couples work as a team with the ideal goal being that each gets important needs met from the relationship. This requires maturity, communication, dedication, and most importantly, empathy. You have to understand in a very meaningful way what your partner is feeling and what their needs are.

When one partner becomes consumed in their own needs without awareness of the other person’s experience the relationship ceases to function well. Any compulsive behavior can pull people apart, but MMO gaming can be especially problematic because game play can continue endlessly, day or night, and because those nifty reinforcers offer tremendous incentive to keep playing. You can’t put the game on “save” to go share dinner with the family, or to put the kids to bed. And some people don’t realize when it’s time to quit.

Of course a partner is going to become upset. Initially there’s a feeling of loss which quickly moves to frustration, then anger. Positive communication ceases and the overall tone of the relationship becomes negative. The partner who is gaming compulsively tends to become defensive and angry, in fact identifying the negativity in the relationship as just another reason to escape into the fantasy realm of the game where she/he can experience the sense of respect, control, and the associated dopamine rush of satisfaction that takes place in the game. The left-out partner has become increasingly isolated, hurt, and angry thus establishing the proverbial vicious circle. They verbally accuse or attack. The gamer’s defenses go up, denial becomes entrenched. “Problem? I don’t have a problem. After all I’m home, you know what I’m doing…it’s better than being out at a bar.”

But is it? The important point here is how the behavior is affecting the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the behavior is.

So what do you do when “the game” has become “the affair?”

A therapist would suggest three things at minimum: use clear but positive communication, don’t enable, and make sure you take care of yourself. It can also be helpful to get yourself to therapy, whether or not your partner will go.

But back to the three things:

Positive communication means focusing on how you value your partner, want to spend enjoyable time together, and expressing how you feel without coming across angry or judgmental. Talk about your own feelings rather than what the other person is doing wrong. An example is “I really miss seeing you at dinner and cuddling in the evenings. I’m lonely. When you play the game at night I feel shut out.”

Enabling is any behavior that the partner of a person with an addiction does that makes it easier for the person to continue in their addiction. Examples would be preparing food for the gamer and bringing it to the computer. Doing his/her laundry and other household chores; making excuses for why he/she is late for work or misses social events both are invited to; telling yourself it doesn’t really bother you when it does; covering the rent or other household expenses when he or she loses their job.

Taking care of yourself means doing whatever you can to help yourself enjoy life and not wait around for your gaming partner to shut off the game and participate. Get out and meet friends for dinner. Take the kids away for the weekend on a trip. Make your own friends. Have a life.

Of course this is easier said than done and it’s important that you have supportive people to talk to keep your feelings sorted out. Angry venting at your compulsive gamer only makes the situation worse.

Lessons From Columbine

I think anyone interested in psychology and gaming would find Dr. Jerald Block's recently published article on Columbine very interesting. Thanks to Neils Clark for pointing me to it.

To quote a recent comment by Dr. Block:

"Increasingly, I am seeing the computer being used as a functional defense and/or outlet for aggressive and sexual impulses. As such, it is useful; the computer seemingly allows one to act on their frustration without harming others or their relationships. In a sense, the computer becomes an ideal partner - a relationship - always available and eager to participate, never judgmental.

In looking at school shooters and troubled individuals, like Klebold, Harris, Weise, and perhaps Cho (if it is true he removed his hard drive from his computer before killing, as as been reported…see http://www.roanoke.com/vtinvestigation/wb/wb/xp-122382), therapists need to start paying close attention to how the computer is used and what is being created there. Many of the activities one engages in while on the computer might be considered “artistic.” As a result, that work might be less inhibited than their more formal interpersonal interactions. Thus, a therapist might get a better sense of what is happening in their patient’s mind by looking at what is happening when they get on the computer. Just look at the two Flash videos that Wiese created to get a sense of this."

Dr. Block's website: http://www.jeraldjblock.medem.com/

And they waste time arguing about jargon...

One of the most gifted clinicians I know sent me a link to a forum for licensed family therapists who were arguing about labels and whether something (specifically in this case MMO gaming) can be considered an "addiction." She added her own thoughts:

I get annoyed when therapists aren’t able/willing to look (and validate; take seriously) at the needs being met (and unmet) through gaming. Instead there is a judgement that it is just a problem of time management or problem of setting one’s priorities straight...especially when it comes to couples in conflict over gaming. I think that therapists need to look at all the really good reasons why someone may be spending 12 hours+ a day on gaming ....before looking at trying to support a change.

Amen.

And I don't care what you call it. If you can't stop yourself from playing when you know it's harming your life, when you are no longer functioning in important areas like school, job, and spending time with loved ones, if you crave it when you aren't engaged in it and dream of it vividly during your sleep (if you stop playing long enough to sleep) it's a problem.

If you're a mental health clinician it's your responsibility to understand the process and when asked, come up with an effective plan to help people.

All it cost you was your family

From a friend's blog:

I'm done.. i'm tired of doing everything. I'm tired of the half assed attempts at placating. I'm tired of hearing from my daughter how she has to beg for attention.

She told me she made a deal with dad. He could have 15 more minutes of quiet if he would come play with her outside. He went with her but as soon as I pull in the driveway, he ran back inside.

The part that hurts the most is that he values a video game and some strangers on the net more than his daughter or myself. Congrats! You're a rock star in the wow world, the only 70 character of your kind, and all it cost you was your family!

For my friend William - back in Wow

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

\(this one's been around for a long time now but I think you'll appreciate it)

by Portia Nelson

Chapter One:

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost...I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it and fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in...it's a habit.

My eyes are open, I know where I am.

It is my responsibility.

I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter Five:

I walk down another street.

Trainings for Mental Health Clinicians Offered

A vast cultural gap exists between the average mental health therapist and the average gamer. This problem is highlighted when an individual who needs help for problems related to gameplay can't find a professional who knows the difference between an MMO and Anime (I actually heard this recently from a colleague).

By and large, therapists don't get it. At a recent conference where I presented on the topic I found many were concerned with trying to understand gamers in their own families as well as their clients yet ignorant about the process. How do you differentiate healthy gaming from addictive or problematic gaming? What do you do when your partner, your child, your friend seems to play excessively?

We all need to develop awareness and skills in dealing with this issue, particularly mental health therapists. I will be continuing to offer interactive multimedia seminars over the next 12 months for professional training on this topic.

Psychotherapy Struggles To Catch Up With Technology

In the past ten years technology has opened avenues for exploration and human connection that were considered to be science fiction in the past, with effects only now being recognized by the global culture as having dramatic consequences. Both positives and negatives can be dramatic in many people's lives.

Compulsive MMO playing, "virtual affairs", and other internet enabled problematic behaviors are increasingly coming to attention of psychotherapists as more and more people present in their offices with very serious problems. Instead of working together to constructively examine the problems and solutions, forces have polarized and gotten caught up in arguing over jargon traps and peripheral issues such as "pro" and "anti" gaming factions.

In my opinion, it's not about who's right and who's wrong; the important point is what do we really know about risk factors, problems, and solutions? Ultimately, how do we help those with problems? How do we develop and promote healthy gaming habits?

Mental health therapists are struggling to understand and keep up. I find my peers often professing ignorance about understanding, identifying, and treating these issues. If there is one contribution I can make to the situation it's to focus on assisting clinicians in accessing information to help them do their best work, always.

Health has a lot to do with self-monitoring

The ability to self-monitor is one of the most important keys to living an effective life. What am I feeling? What am I thinking? How am I behaving? What are my unconsious impulses and why do I have them? What do I do with those impulses? What kinds of things upset me, and what do I do to soothe myself? Ultimately, what kind of person do I want to be?Awareness allows me to make choices to create the kind of life I want to live. It's a skill to be developed, definitely not something I was born with. If I'd had it at age 15 I think I'd have created an entirely different sort of life.But maybe not. Consider Ivan Osokin...

Look deeply.