Time Loss - "Ummm yeah, I played for days..."

In reviewing video footage and notes I've taken over the past three years of my own detailed study of MMO gaming, the most common reason that people report getting into trouble with gaming is what we can call the experience of time loss - losing track of time to the extent that one plays for hours upon hours, even days at at time, seemingly without full awareness of how long it's been.

"I went three straight days once" a 28 year old woman admitted with a grin, "I usually play until I fall asleep at my keyboard." College students and adults in their 40s and 50s routinely confess to playing 12 or 15 hours at a time, skipping eating and using empty Mountain Dew bottles in very creative ways.

This can be hard for a lot of people to understand. I get it though - mainly because I've been there. Back in my active clan days in Lineage2 I felt the pull to play "Just one more hour," eating the microwaved frozen burrito while sitting at the keyboard, and neglecting bathroom breaks because "I can't leave the party now - I'm the only healer." I know it sounds weird but you sort of have to be there.

You don't have to be a genius to see that this kind of play impairs real life. And, that there must be some interesting things going on that cause it. I've been immersed in a good book before, staying awake an hour or two longer than I should to get to the end, but I've never behaved like I did while playing in the MMO.

Of course you've got the sophisticated reinforcers built into the game, and the social commitment to the other players you've bonded with who need you (or rather, need your character) to stay. But I think there's often something deeper going on, and on a psychological level I'd refer to it as the process of dissociation.

Dissociation in a nutshell can be described as an alteration in consciousness in which the mind is split off from normal awareness and surroundings. It can be experienced on a continuum, from the mild way you can get caught up in an exciting movie, to the more extreme forms where you lose touch with your physical sensations and the environment around you, losing track of the passing of time (sound like something already mentioned?).

Therapists generally believe that extreme degrees of dissociation are indicative of a mental process gone awry. Something is wrong, and it's happened (or is happening) for a reason. These reasons can be many and varied.

Some people find the experience of dissociation pleasant, and for brief periods of time mild degrees of dissociation are not necessarily harmful; they can even do some good. Sometimes they are intentionally induced through religious trance states or clinical hypnosis.

However if people are staying in a state of dissociation for hours and hours, experiencing time loss to the point their lives are being impaired - well, maybe we should be asking "Why?" and
taking a look at the deeper issues.

The Brain That Changes Itself

It's a rare book that impresses me so much I carry copies of it around to thrust in front of people shouting "You must read this!" Okay, I'm not actually shouting, but I am vigorously singing the praises of Norman Doidge, M.D.'s The Brain That Changes Itself - Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science.

There are just so many ways to apply the information in this book, particularly for those who write me asking "Why is it so hard for me to make changes, and what can I actually do differently?" It's certainly not a self-help book, as Dr. Doidge isn't giving simple answers to complex problems, but I do think many will find information that provides insight into the causes of compulsive behaviors as well as fuel for creative solutions.

Norman Doidge, M.D., is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, researcher, author, essayist and poet. He is on the Research Faculty at the Columbia University Center for Psychoanalytic Training and Research, in New York, and the University of Toronto's Department of Psychiatry. A native of Toronto, he divides his time between Toronto and New York. http://www.normandoidge.com/

In his book he shares remarkable information about the science of neuroplasticity, long a subject of great interest to me. I've read a great deal of research previously - however I've never seen anything as easily digestable and presented with such clear and compelling relevancy.

Along with many inspiring stories of remarkable recoveries from brain injuries, Dr. Doidge hones in on aspects of culture (particularly electronic media) and the ways that our brains are quite literally being changed by how we interact with our environment. One of the things I often discuss with people is facilitating inner change by modifying one's entire enviornment in positive ways.

This information is useful to me in each domain of my major interests, from my exploration of the impact of online gaming and virtual worlds, my work as a psychotherapist using multiple modalities to help people achieve positive change, and as a dance/movement therapist working to integrate the mind and body and facilitate healing.

The book is important. Get it.

(sorry for being bossy - I realize this conflicts with my usual non-directive apprach)

Is Play always Play?

Play ceases to be play when it becomes an obligation. - David Elkind, PhD

I think any MMO player understands how this applies to gaming. It's my guess that eventually we'll come up with another word to describe the experience of spending time in a virtual world.

The Plastic Brain

One of the most interesting things about issues relating to electronic media and psychology is that of brain plasticity. It's not like you were just born with a certain kind of ready-to-go brain with certain strengths and weaknesses and that's what you've got ("Type 17-B, strong math skills, weak art and rhythm"). Most people don't realize that their brains grow, change, and develop in response to their environment.

I'm not trying to put a crash course in developmental neuropsychology here - though I'd like to. The most basic thought is that brains become custom-tailored for skills that the environment promotes. The kind of stimulation you have, particularly during childhood, to a very large degree determines the kind of person you become. And the good news is that even if there are deficits during childhood, things aren't set in concrete. The brain is more like plastic and always amenable to certain amounts of change and growth - though it takes longer to make new neural connections as a brain gets older.

Those who spend large amounts of time involved in activities that revolve around language will develop strong neural connections in the brain to build these kinds of skills. The same thing for certain kinds of physical activities. People with truly amazing talents and abilities very often developed those abilities during childhood which grew stronger as they matured. Kids who have been playing lots of computer games since they were toddlers generally have far faster keyboard responses than people who start to play as adults (but do they know how to dance? Do they care?).

If brains don't get enough of the right kinds of foundational experiences certain basic skill areas may never develop. In many cases this accounts for things we describe as "learning disabilities", or things we're "just not very good at."

So what does this have to do with gaming?

The ways we interact with our environment influences the development of our mind, body, and personality. Any media we are exposed to for an extended period of time affects the underlying neural circuitry of the brain that is being established during childhood and adolesence. If we understand this principle we can see how important it is to assess the amount of time kids spend immersed in electronic media. It's not just a question of the kind of content within the media, but what are they not doing in primary life that is actually foundationally necessary to grow effective brains.

Wow... (And I don't mean WoW)

The volume of phone calls and emails I have been receiving from people struggling with compulsive gaming behavior is surprising...even to me. Therapists have been calling to consult about their clients, their own kids, and increasingly to discuss their personal history as compulsive gamers. The conversations are generally very encouraging - we're all learning from each other and people are finding ways to unhook from detrimental actvities they could not control. Many people are getting clearer on defining what a healthy and balanced lifestyle is and making positive changes.

Then there are the other kinds of calls, - the very disturbing ones - in which gaming behavior has been a factor in family violence. Sometimes the incidents are between parents and children, sometimes adult partners - but people are getting hurt, law enforcement and child welfare services are involved, and again I am struck by what an entirely new phenomenon this is.

I don't think anyone was prepared for this.

The most imortant points about MMOs...in a few sentences

Playing games can be a fun hobby. There are lots of benefits from playing games.

MMOs are actually virtual worlds with a complex, multi-faceted, multi-layered reward structure. They are not games in the traditional sense.

The things that make MMOs unique and fulfilling also present certain risks for some people. Some people develop very serious problems and the reasons for this are complex.

People play for lots of different reasons. We have to be thoughtful about generalizing.

If anyone is playing so much it's impairing their life functioing, the issue should be evaluated. Sometimes they need help in doing that, as it can be hard to figure out on your own.

I don't care if you call it addiction or not. I don't care what you call it. Just be self-aware. Check out the video series I put up. Check out the resources listed. Think about it.

Self-awareness, self-monitoring, and understanding how to make good choices are what it's all about.

When your partner plays too much...

Intimacy. Companionship. Passion. These are the reasons most people pair up. If you don’t want to be close to someone you stay single right?

Well that’s the way most of us think it’s supposed to be, but making a relationship work well over the course of time is easier said than done. Life circumstances change, people make transitions, and personalities evolve in ways that can seem entirely unexpected. Life is unpredictable. Some activities bring couples closer together, other activities push them apart.

Lots of couples are coming to marriage counseling identifying “gaming” as the major problem in their relationship. Usually one plays and the other doesn’t; sometimes both play but one plays more than the other. On some occasions they are both playing compulsively, nobody’s taking care of the kids or the living situation, and life has really fallen apart.

Greg’s situation is common. Age 30, he’s been married to Grace for six years. They have two small kids, both work full-time and have few opportunities to see one another under the best of circumstances. “She’s online as soon as she gets home from work; we don’t have dinner together anymore. I’m taking care of the kids in the evenings, and I go to bed alone. Her guild friends mean more to her than I do. I try to talk to her and she just gets mad. Weekends revolve around her Guild schedule. Everything has changed; this is not what I signed up for and I’m not happy about it.”

Little does Greg know that Grace is secretly spending an inordinate amount of time with two men in the game and engaging in romantic, sexually charged role-playing. Since she’s not interested in participating in therapy, the therapist is going to have to help Greg figure out the best ways he can navigate through the situation, and ultimately, whether or not this is something he can live with if it doesn’t improve.

Successful couples work as a team with the ideal goal being that each gets important needs met from the relationship. This requires maturity, communication, dedication, and most importantly, empathy. You have to understand in a very meaningful way what your partner is feeling and what their needs are.

When one partner becomes consumed in their own needs without awareness of the other person’s experience the relationship ceases to function well. Any compulsive behavior can pull people apart, but MMO gaming can be especially problematic because game play can continue endlessly, day or night, and because those nifty reinforcers offer tremendous incentive to keep playing. You can’t put the game on “save” to go share dinner with the family, or to put the kids to bed. And some people don’t realize when it’s time to quit.

Of course a partner is going to become upset. Initially there’s a feeling of loss which quickly moves to frustration, then anger. Positive communication ceases and the overall tone of the relationship becomes negative. The partner who is gaming compulsively tends to become defensive and angry, in fact identifying the negativity in the relationship as just another reason to escape into the fantasy realm of the game where she/he can experience the sense of respect, control, and the associated dopamine rush of satisfaction that takes place in the game. The left-out partner has become increasingly isolated, hurt, and angry thus establishing the proverbial vicious circle. They verbally accuse or attack. The gamer’s defenses go up, denial becomes entrenched. “Problem? I don’t have a problem. After all I’m home, you know what I’m doing…it’s better than being out at a bar.”

But is it? The important point here is how the behavior is affecting the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the behavior is.

So what do you do when “the game” has become “the affair?”

A therapist would suggest three things at minimum: use clear but positive communication, don’t enable, and make sure you take care of yourself. It can also be helpful to get yourself to therapy, whether or not your partner will go.

But back to the three things:

Positive communication means focusing on how you value your partner, want to spend enjoyable time together, and expressing how you feel without coming across angry or judgmental. Talk about your own feelings rather than what the other person is doing wrong. An example is “I really miss seeing you at dinner and cuddling in the evenings. I’m lonely. When you play the game at night I feel shut out.”

Enabling is any behavior that the partner of a person with an addiction does that makes it easier for the person to continue in their addiction. Examples would be preparing food for the gamer and bringing it to the computer. Doing his/her laundry and other household chores; making excuses for why he/she is late for work or misses social events both are invited to; telling yourself it doesn’t really bother you when it does; covering the rent or other household expenses when he or she loses their job.

Taking care of yourself means doing whatever you can to help yourself enjoy life and not wait around for your gaming partner to shut off the game and participate. Get out and meet friends for dinner. Take the kids away for the weekend on a trip. Make your own friends. Have a life.

Of course this is easier said than done and it’s important that you have supportive people to talk to keep your feelings sorted out. Angry venting at your compulsive gamer only makes the situation worse.