When your partner plays too much...

Intimacy. Companionship. Passion. These are the reasons most people pair up. If you don’t want to be close to someone you stay single right?

Well that’s the way most of us think it’s supposed to be, but making a relationship work well over the course of time is easier said than done. Life circumstances change, people make transitions, and personalities evolve in ways that can seem entirely unexpected. Life is unpredictable. Some activities bring couples closer together, other activities push them apart.

Lots of couples are coming to marriage counseling identifying “gaming” as the major problem in their relationship. Usually one plays and the other doesn’t; sometimes both play but one plays more than the other. On some occasions they are both playing compulsively, nobody’s taking care of the kids or the living situation, and life has really fallen apart.

Greg’s situation is common. Age 30, he’s been married to Grace for six years. They have two small kids, both work full-time and have few opportunities to see one another under the best of circumstances. “She’s online as soon as she gets home from work; we don’t have dinner together anymore. I’m taking care of the kids in the evenings, and I go to bed alone. Her guild friends mean more to her than I do. I try to talk to her and she just gets mad. Weekends revolve around her Guild schedule. Everything has changed; this is not what I signed up for and I’m not happy about it.”

Little does Greg know that Grace is secretly spending an inordinate amount of time with two men in the game and engaging in romantic, sexually charged role-playing. Since she’s not interested in participating in therapy, the therapist is going to have to help Greg figure out the best ways he can navigate through the situation, and ultimately, whether or not this is something he can live with if it doesn’t improve.

Successful couples work as a team with the ideal goal being that each gets important needs met from the relationship. This requires maturity, communication, dedication, and most importantly, empathy. You have to understand in a very meaningful way what your partner is feeling and what their needs are.

When one partner becomes consumed in their own needs without awareness of the other person’s experience the relationship ceases to function well. Any compulsive behavior can pull people apart, but MMO gaming can be especially problematic because game play can continue endlessly, day or night, and because those nifty reinforcers offer tremendous incentive to keep playing. You can’t put the game on “save” to go share dinner with the family, or to put the kids to bed. And some people don’t realize when it’s time to quit.

Of course a partner is going to become upset. Initially there’s a feeling of loss which quickly moves to frustration, then anger. Positive communication ceases and the overall tone of the relationship becomes negative. The partner who is gaming compulsively tends to become defensive and angry, in fact identifying the negativity in the relationship as just another reason to escape into the fantasy realm of the game where she/he can experience the sense of respect, control, and the associated dopamine rush of satisfaction that takes place in the game. The left-out partner has become increasingly isolated, hurt, and angry thus establishing the proverbial vicious circle. They verbally accuse or attack. The gamer’s defenses go up, denial becomes entrenched. “Problem? I don’t have a problem. After all I’m home, you know what I’m doing…it’s better than being out at a bar.”

But is it? The important point here is how the behavior is affecting the relationship. It doesn’t matter what the behavior is.

So what do you do when “the game” has become “the affair?”

A therapist would suggest three things at minimum: use clear but positive communication, don’t enable, and make sure you take care of yourself. It can also be helpful to get yourself to therapy, whether or not your partner will go.

But back to the three things:

Positive communication means focusing on how you value your partner, want to spend enjoyable time together, and expressing how you feel without coming across angry or judgmental. Talk about your own feelings rather than what the other person is doing wrong. An example is “I really miss seeing you at dinner and cuddling in the evenings. I’m lonely. When you play the game at night I feel shut out.”

Enabling is any behavior that the partner of a person with an addiction does that makes it easier for the person to continue in their addiction. Examples would be preparing food for the gamer and bringing it to the computer. Doing his/her laundry and other household chores; making excuses for why he/she is late for work or misses social events both are invited to; telling yourself it doesn’t really bother you when it does; covering the rent or other household expenses when he or she loses their job.

Taking care of yourself means doing whatever you can to help yourself enjoy life and not wait around for your gaming partner to shut off the game and participate. Get out and meet friends for dinner. Take the kids away for the weekend on a trip. Make your own friends. Have a life.

Of course this is easier said than done and it’s important that you have supportive people to talk to keep your feelings sorted out. Angry venting at your compulsive gamer only makes the situation worse.